34-year-old Artem plays in a musical group and wants a little rest. His wife, 41-year-old love, is engaged in children and demands more money in the family. The conflictologist helps the heroes hear each other.
Love: Last year my mother died, and since then everything has gone awry. I started visiting a psychologist. It became easier for me, but relations with my husband were divided.
Artem: Precisely because you started visiting him!
L.: Just before the start of therapy, I was comfortable and was always silent.
Oleg Ivanov: Before the start of therapy, you did not talk about problems, and the specialist advised you to discuss them. Apparently, Artem did not expect such a turn. Often we cannot find a common language with a partner simply because he is not ready for conversation.
L.: He is never ready! Artem is a musician. That is, no money, but we have three children – two from my previous marriage. I understand that he has a creative work, but I can’t come to terms with the fact that he is not trying to earn more. I propose options, and he says: “I heard you” or “I understand you”, and nothing changes. Can sit all night with the phone on the balcony. After I will speak out, day or two I do not pester him. Then everything is repeated.
ABOUT.AND.: Obviously, Artem has other priorities. In particular, creativity.
L.: But what about the family?
ABOUT.AND.: He tries to combine, but in case of problems, he tries not to notice them. However, Artem, if something has accumulated, then sooner or later it will come out. It makes no sense to turn away from the conflict. First you need to accept it, and then try to resolve. It will not disappear by itself.
A.: Agree. But there are problems that are not solved at one point. For example, financial. Lyuba talks about it constantly, she needs everything at once. But if you stand over my soul all the time, it will not go faster.
ABOUT.AND.: Love stands over your soul because he sees that you do not react in any way. Colossal work can go inside you, but it is not visible outside. If you draw up a plan of action and invite her to consider it together, the tension will decrease. Many now have material problems as a man and as a father I understand you. Think about how to raise children is difficult.
Try to build a feedback communication so that love can see that her comments reach you. It is better to give feedback that will not suit the interlocutor than no. To say “I will not do this” or “this is impossible” better than dismissed the phrases “I heard you” or “I understood you”.
A.: I understand without outside help that we need to communicate with each other with anyone else. But the pressure on her part turned into a chronic.
L.: Because you are constantly sitting on the phone and not looking for another job. He worked in the evening a performance, and tired as if he had descended into the mine. I understand that this is a lifestyle. But I am different: I need actions, activity. Let at least the wagons work out to unload or courier. Even sell the aquarium, which we have been lying for a hundred years, and then there will be help.
ABOUT.AND.: You press on Artem.
L.: And what remains for me? I can’t live like that. I’m not sure of tomorrow and that I can feed three children.
ABOUT.AND.: Artem, you are a musician. Thought about tutoring?
A.: Yes, this is possible in the future.
L.: Why not right now? What should happen so that you take responsibility?!
ABOUT.AND.: Love, I assure you, if you continue to crush, the process will not accelerate. There is opposition to any action: Artem is blocking, you crush it stronger – it is more defended. This is a dead end. I think you should try to be more flexible. How many years have you been married?
L.: Two years. Before that, they lived together for another year.
ABOUT.AND.: For marriage this is a critical period, and now you are standing at a crossroads. When you are talking about the shortcomings of Artem, you are driven by resentment. But do not compare it with you: you are different. You, love, open, active. Artem prefers to spend time alone with himself, which, you see, is not easy in your large family.
L.: Yes, he says that everything got him. The apartment is large, and Artem occupied the balcony, put the latch. The only time when he is in high mood is at night after the performance.
A.: Because it is impossible to concentrate during the day. Not a minute of peace. If we had the opportunity to miss each other, it would be easier for me to concentrate on important matters. And I would come to you myself, voluntarily. Believe me, I understand the responsibility to the family. To do this, it is not necessary to eat on me every day. Yes, my position is more simple: since there is no money now, then we will go to the sea later. Why make a tragedy out of this?
ABOUT.AND.: Artem, you must also understand your spouse. She is afraid for children, but instead of reassuring her, you are exacerbating the situation. Your position is clear, love heard you, but was it time to hear it?
A.: I don’t want to talk to her, every time I hear the same thing.
ABOUT.AND.: Maybe if you hear love at least once, it will stop yelling at you.
L.: I understand a creative crisis. But since you are a creative person, then you can’t contact you with everyday questions? In a similar situation, I ended up with my previous husband. He was left without work and spent six months in the computer until I went to work myself to provide my family. He liked such a life: he gained loans, and there was nothing to give away. Collectors began to break into the house. I’m afraid of repetition, because I know what happens when you let a man relax.
ABOUT.AND.: Love, Artem is another man, not the one with whom you parted. He is not ready for the format of communication that you propose, and he has desires that it is difficult for him to talk about with you.
L.: In this case, we are probably better to disperse.
ABOUT.AND.: Dismant to disperse is a simple solution, you will always have time. Maybe among your relatives or friends there is someone who could act between you?
A.: I would not want to devote someone to my personal life in such details. Another thing is consultation. I agreed that Lyuba was satisfied and because I do not think that everything is bad and you need to disperse. Just piled on everything at once.
I want Lyuba to stop fussing. Any situation has a solution. But if you thicken the colors every day, then it can be lost. Lyuba,
on social networks you write that you have to meet the morning with a smile, and you tell me that everything is terrible and that we are all dying. Is it true?
ABOUT.AND.: You started talking to each other, it’s good. Simple conversation is sometimes enough to lose the accumulated tension. Therefore, speak with each other, because you are interested in together, despite different characters. And understand that your partner is also difficult: maybe even more difficult than you.
Judging by the fact that you are sitting opposite me, you have the opportunity to get somewhere without children. Use it as often as possible. Go together in the cinema, in a cafe or for a walk. And share with each other what is in your head.
Do not demand from a partner to solve problems alone, even if it is only his own problems, and even more family. Combine efforts to solve them together.
Two weeks later
Love: Apparently, we needed a third party for me to hear my husband. So he finally talk to me and express his position. All home conversations usually ended in dissatisfaction and resentment, but after consulting the time we became more calm, serious quarrels were able to avoid.
The main thing is that we understood: we need to communicate more often alone with each other, without children. And in another setting besides the house. The consultation not only gave a positive effect, but also gave pleasure: after it I had a feeling of “expressing” left.
Artem: The consultation turned out to be useful experience. Not that I learned something new for myself, but I liked this practice. She became simultaneously a respite from a daily routine, and a pleasant family event. In addition, without children, which, as it turned out, is useful for ours from any relationship.
I am glad that my wife is satisfied with this campaign, and if she is satisfied, then I am satisfied with. Oleg proposed options for solving problems that we still have to discuss, in a sense inspired us and made us and my wife heard each other.
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